mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
