I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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