I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize