o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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