Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Randomize
