Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize