I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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