Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
