4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
