Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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