Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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