Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
