just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize