The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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