I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
