Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
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