I was born with a shot glass in my hand
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
