A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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