Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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