I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
