i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
