My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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