Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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