I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize