Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
