this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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