I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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