So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
