Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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