At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Randomize
