I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
