Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize