My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
