Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
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