it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
