Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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