My liver just broke up with me...
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize