don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Randomize
