I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
