census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
