So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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