can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
