If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
