i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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