At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
