She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
