just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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