I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
