i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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