Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize