never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
