you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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