He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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