News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
