Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
