They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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