Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
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