I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I deserve this hangover.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
