I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
it's not cheating when I paid for it
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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