i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Someone signed my nipple.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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