I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
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