Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
