don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
