Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
