My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
