I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
