haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
