are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
